The Non-Negotiables Exercise
- 18 hours ago
- 1 min read
This is the tool I wish someone had given me twenty years ago.
I call it the Non-Negotiables Exercise. Three columns: Work, Family, Self.
In each column, write three to five non-negotiables.
Not goals. Not aspirations. Non-negotiables.
The things that — if they aren’t happening — nothing else matters.
The distinction matters. Goals are things you’re working toward.
Non-negotiables are things you’re protecting.
I worked with a Senior Director — two kids, demanding career, partner who also worked demanding hours.
She was performing well. Getting promoted. Doing all the right things.
When we did the exercise, here’s what she found:
Her work non-negotiables: fully met.
Her family non-negotiables: mostly met.
Her self non-negotiables: zero. None. Not one.
“That’s where the failing-at-everything feeling is coming from,’ I told her.
You’re not failing at everything. You’re failing at yourself.
And when we neglect ourselves, everything else starts to feel inadequate
because we’re running on empty.”
She started small. Blocked two evenings a week for bedtime with her kids.
Started running three mornings a week before the house woke up.
Told her team Saturdays belonged to her family.
The sky didn’t fall. Her performance didn’t drop. Her boss didn’t notice.
The only person who noticed was her.
She felt different. She showed up differently.
Here’s the exercise:
Work: What must be true about your work for you to call it good?
(Not great. Not exceptional. Good.)
Family: What must be true in your family life?
Self: What must be true for the person underneath the title?
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